When I was younger I remember seeing a picture of my dad and some other family members posing with their big catches of the day from their fishing trip. Since then I have always thought how fun it would be to go do that with my dad. Unfortunately, that time never came to fruition until today.
I met up with our fishing guide, Jerry Mecham, and one other gentleman named Henry. Instead of their being 4-6 of us, there ended up being only 2 of us and good ole Jerry.
     To say this was the perfect day would be an understatement. To say it was a perfectly blessed , heaven sent experience to remember would get us almost close to a decent explanation;) As soon as we got on the boat Jerry asked me why I was going fishing.  He told me he enjoyed my correspondence with him prior to the trip, and that he was excited to make it the best day for me cause he felt my enthusiasm for this adventure through our emails.  I replied to his question with, "well, let's get the awkward out of the way", as I pulled out Tough Bear and gave him and Henry a very simple brief explanation. As I was telling them, Henry reached and grabbed his wallet and told me he wanted to add to the awkwardness. He then pulled out a picture of his grandfather, Lico.  He was doing this fishing trip in honor of his grandfather who had always wanted to fish in Alaska and passed away last year without ever having the opportunity. It took all the strength I had not to burst out in to tears of joy and laughter. How amazing that out of the thousands of people that entered Ketchikan today from the ships, I was blessed to have Henry share in the same pursuit of adventuring with me.

(Henry holding Tough Bear and his picture of his grandfather, Lico)

     Jerry loved that he was able to be the one sharing this experience with us and he definitely showed us that in the way he went above and beyond to exceed any expectations we might have had.  It was almost like having a father figure there because he kept saying what a great job we were doing, and shared in the joy and excitement of every bite and catch, (even for the ones that got away).  I wish I could have gotten a picture of his face when the big bite of the day for me came in.  I'm not sure who was happier, me or Jerry.  We were for sure guaranteed to catch some Pink Salmon, but he didn't think we would really catch anything else but was hopeful for us anyway.  He had every reason to be.  I caught the biggest fish, the most fish, and the ONLY Silver Salmon of our boat.  Man oh man, my cheeks haven't stopped hurting from the hours of a permanent grin on my face.

                                                                 (First catch of the day)

                                                                        (Silver Salmon)

                                                           (Jerry, me, and our prize fish)

                                                                       (The View)

                                                                           (The Loot)

                                                                 (My Hero Jerry)

                                                                    (The Proof!)

 Being surrounded by nature while having some solitude from the busy life of my world, I have been able to feel a closeness to my parents that I have not felt since they were alive. I drove around this afternoon to soak in what I was feeling and stumbled upon some of God's creations that only helped add to the calm my heart and mind had been feeling most of the day.

Of course my day wouldn't and couldn't have ended perfectly without 1000 pictures of this evenings sunset.

I couldn't be more thankful for the ups and downs of life that have taught me so much about myself. I'm sincerely grateful for the opportunities when I can love, help, and support those in need. I can't wait to see where this endeavor will lead me and, hopefully, it will be able to help others along the way.  If I am the only one to learn and grow from my time with Tough Bear though,  I will still be confident that it is a mission that was definitely accomplished.  Until our next adventure.....

     Imagine having the ability to have a loved one who passed away be with you on all your adventures, to be able to hold them when you need them the most, or just to feel their presence near you whenever you'd like no matter where you are in your life.  Now imagine that you're a child having lost someone who meant the world to you or that you never imagined not having around and how you're supposed to continue on in life when part of you feels gone.  *TOUGH Bear is an idea that came to me after a domino effect of similar circumstances that has led me to be able to participate in some incredible experiences.
     The TOUGH in Tough Bear stands for Teddies Opening Up Grieving Hearts.  A lot like the bear represents, I have tried to put on a tough exterior trying to do my best to love and be there for people when all I wanted was to feel that unconditional love again from the family I had lost.
     Tough Bear is a special stuffed animal that accompanies a book about a young person that has lost a loved one and can't sleep because of the sadness in his heart.  While contemplating his thoughts and feelings the person notices that they have a teddy bear that has a zipper opening on its chest.  It looks like it has a hole in his heart.  On the right foot of the bear is a purple heart that says TOUGH, yet the person realizes that the bear can't be so tough when it has a hole in his heart just like the person is feeling at that moment.  The person decides to help the bear fill his heart by placing pictures, memories, and anything that will help them feel happy about their loved one in his zipper pocket and zip it up to keep the memories safe and to close up the hole in the bear's heart.  In turn the person can hug the bear and have something tangible to hold that has a memory of their loved one inside.  The person starts to feel  more relaxed because he has helped the bear and in turn has helped himself through a difficult time.
     The book and bear are geared toward young children who have lost a loved one and they can keep and have it with them until they feel like they are ready to move on to new ways of keeping their loved one's memories alive.  My hopes are that those who receive TOUGH BEAR can then pay it forward by offering their bear and book to a child or young person in need so that the memories of loved ones come together and are felt by many.
     I have so many ideas for the bear and book and just getting started in the simplest manner has been difficult enough, but I am doing it....FINALLY.  I created Tough Bear out of a Deseret Industries find and have decided to put my words in to action by taking him with me on my adventures especially those I wish I could have done with my own parents.  Knocking off some bucket list items all at once, and the journey has barely begun.
     As I am writing this I have goosebumps and a smile on my face because despite how constantly sad and lonely I feel there is always something that I can find and turn my thoughts to other than myself to help me become a better and more loving person and to help those around me.   "To love and be loved is the greatest joy on earth" is a favorite quote of mine because it hits the nail on the head of how I feel most often in my life.  Keep your eyes out for more info and adventures and thank you for all your support and if you're still reading this....I LOVE YOU!!!!!
Until we meet again,
Heidi Bear

*TOUGH BEAR came to me while sitting on an airplane flying home from Maryland a couple summers ago.  It was my second time volunteering as a Cabin Big Buddy for bereavement (grief) camps for a foundation called Camp Erin.  Children ages 6-18 who have suffered the loss of a loved one are given an opportunity to attend a weekend getaway to a special camp that is centered around activities to help them in the grieving process of their loved ones.  There are group discussions, trust activities, candlelight vigils, art/music/dance therapy, writing courses, memory makers, as well as swimming, archery, hiking, carnivals, ice cream and dance parties, and so many other wonderful fun ways for everyone to bond.
     Each camper when they arrive is given a few necessities to help them "survive" the weekend.  This may include a backpack, a stuffed animal/toy, flashlight, water bottle, t-shirt, and their own special badge so everyone can get to know each other.  I loved that everyone got a stuffed toy to hold in case they were feeling homesick, or missing their loved one, or just needed something to hug.  So, apparently that is where my brain went on a whirlwind that weekend and how the TOUGH BEAR idea was born.